Hanging On When We Should Be Letting Go

We hang on…when we should be letting go. We let go; when we should be hanging on.

So why is it so hard for some people to be loved? On reason is that being loved may actually cause anxiety as it may threaten long-held beliefs from childhood, and trigger emotional defenses formed early on, related to psychological pain and rejection, leaving the person feeling more vulnerable. 

On the one hand, the feeling of being chosen and appreciated by another is exhilarating and can bring with it joy and contentment; but at the other, it can also be frightening with the fear being transformed into anger or even hostility. Thus, fundamentally, being loved is sometimes a daunting task when it diverges from deeper held memories of childhood trauma; which could urge the one love to act in ways to hurt the one who loves them. In this way, they distance themselves and push that love away. They maintain the defensive position they formed early in life, as a form of protection. Since this destructive reaction to positive actions happens without them being consciously aware of why they are doing it, they respond without understanding what caused them to react in such a way. They may justify their actions by finding fault with or blaming others, especially those closest to them.

There are many reasons why people stay in unsatisfying, unhappy, or even dangerous relationships; often is it financial, or cultural; but the most challenging reason why people stay in bad relationships or marriages is self-sabotage, basically doing exactly the opposite of what makes them happy. Why would anyone do that? Often people will keep accepting the same kind of pain because they are used to it; while not being willing to risk the uncertainty of changing the situation that they are in because it is an unknown kind of pain, or they are working within the same patterns as what they grew up in. Because it is what they know. 

They have spent years tolerating this misery, but they know this type of misery and feel they can withstand it or are willing to withstand it for a myriad of reasons; and everything else is terrifyingly unfamiliar. They may feel that a fulfilling, happy life with lots of joy is not their life and that happiness is for others, not them, so they stay in a trap of their own making. They stay even though it’s painful but at least it is not alien or different. They stay because they are comfortable right where they are. This self-sabotage, or form of martyrdom, is a way of life for so many of us. But it doesn’t have to be. So how do we find a way to accept love? By taking back our power and not embracing a victim mentality. While it is extremely difficult to go through life not blaming someone or being able to not take things personally, we can opt to have this not be our knee-jerk reaction to everything that happens to us.

Our ego is formed as young children and it is this ego structure that can take on the mask of victim; perhaps because of lack of confidence or being afraid of losing control; so that we blame others when things go wrong; or fear of our own power in that we place it in the hands of others; so that are victims. But whatever the reason, what we are doing is setting ourselves up for unhappiness and failure. One way to combat this is to have complete honesty with yourself; your strengths as well as your weaknesses and to have integrity in your dealings with others. When our soul awareness of this rises above the victim mentality is when we can recognize that when we treated badly by someone that they are showing us that they are in pain and when people are in pain, they lash out at others (Of course this is not to be used as excuse to abuse or harm others; and one should always seek safety and help if faced with any situation that is dangerous to them.

It is going to be love, empathy and compassion that will heal our hearts; our own and others. To put it simply, it:  Don’t get used to the pain; move towards what makes you happy. We don’t have to be martyrs to the cause of love. We all deserve happiness and joy in our lives. It took me a long time to realize how to let go...and while it has become easier to do; every day it is something I have to remind myself to do; but I am truly more at peace now that I can let go and live. Namaste-Rev. Marie

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